there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The adults are the big ones right?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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