just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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