i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
