Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
