Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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