i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
