You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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