It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
