When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
