Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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