So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
