I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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