Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
