Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
