I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
