mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
