You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
