I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
