everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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