Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
