I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my poor anus
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
