Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
