This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
