We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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