I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
