Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The air taste purple.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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