You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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