i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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