Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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