Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
