My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
