Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
