my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
