My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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