We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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