i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
