i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
