Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
