Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
