I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i now understand why vodka
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
