I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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