Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
