im six kinds of drunk right now
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
