Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
