woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
