Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
