Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
