I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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