I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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