If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
