Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
