I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
